Sunday, September 27, 2015

Hypomania slow down

I'm slowing down, but I think it is because I don't have the money to buy more paints and I've nearly run out of the colors I use. I try mixing the ones I need, and have come up with some good alternatives, but I'm running out of white and that is kind of an essential color in making the lighter shades.

I still feel kind of a buzzing and I wonder how to make it stop. It stops when I paint and sometimes when I zone out on television, but it is nearly impossible to read a book, write, or get actual work done. I have trouble sitting still, or, on the other hand, I have been napping a lot lately. I had a drink today and that was a mistake. I felt exhausted and nauseous after I drank it.

My father-in-law took some photos of my paintings today so I could list them on Etsy. I'm not sure if anyone will buy them, but I thought it couldn't hurt to get them out there.

I feel on edge. I don't know what to do, so I think I should sleep, except I'm not tired. I don't want to waste my life sleeping if I'm not even tired. I want to paint, but have the afore mentioned problem with paints. I'm also nearly out of canvas. I'm going to paint over one of them, but after that I think I'm stuck with paper for a little while. When I draw I hate it because things don't turn out like I have them in my head, but when I'm painting it is more feeling and movement that is going down in the brush strokes and there is no preconceived plan. I just do. I suppose I could play video games, where I'm forced in to making decisions, but I don't want to do that either because I feel like I don't contribute to anything if I do that.

I really just want to relax, which is difficult for me right now. My house is a mess, which makes me feel chaotic. I need my son to start cleaning up after himself when he is playing. I'm tired of stepping on things and tripping on things in the dark.

I'm finally used to the medicine, because it isn't making me tired any longer.

Untitled Movement

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Well, I've been painting a lot

If you are wondering why I haven't been blogging. I've been doing a lot of painting. I'm concerned that this is a hypo-manic state, but the painting feels so good that I just can’t stop making new art pieces.

There have been ups and downs lately. Up days, down days, up and down in the same day. Frustrating. All I want to do is sleep and paint. Paint and sleep. Snuggle with kitties. But I know that is not all that I can do. I need to work, do actual work. Work on books, go to my job. The job situation is getting better, I'm not panicking quite so much before I go in. An unnerving development was a doctor appointment that got canceled (the doctor was sick). And it has been rescheduled for a month away. I'm hoping that I can last that long. I feel like missing that appointment has sent me in to an unsteady slide. But, I can get over it. I keep telling myself. I can get over it. I can get through it. Everything that is being thrown at me can be overcome.

So, here are some paintings.

A Cat's Purr

A Cat's Purr

Finding a window

Friday, September 11, 2015

Where I wonder about meds

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I stopped taking all of my medicines. Who is the me beneath all of this ‘help.’ Would I be the same me, but unable to handle certain situations? Would I have more creativity? Or would I lay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. Would I do drastic things? Would I hurt myself? Would I make bad decisions? I don't know. I remember being happy before, but it was such a long time ago.

I've been on one medication or another since I was in my early 20s. I had my first breakdown when I was 21 and working in a very stressful job. Up until then I had had a job since I was 15, and before that I had babysat. I got my homework done at school, I had a very high grade point average. I was in choir, show choir, and vocal jazz. I was in plays. I went to bible study. But I realize that even in high school I wasn't the smartest. I didn't make decisions that were in my own best interest. I talked to people on the internet that I had absolutely no business talking to. I met people that I should never have met. Were these early signs that I was bipolar? 

I had my second, serious mental breakdown when I was 24. The stress of the job became too much. I couldn't handle my boss who was intimidating, who liked to throw things at employees and make loud noises just to see the employees jump. I was ridiculed on a regular basis, and told that my now husband (then boyfriend) wasn't worth it, that I could do better, and that he was suspicious because of his job history. Yes. My boss, the owner of the company told me all of this. He also told me I would never make as much money as him because I wasn't him and gave me a nickel raise. I was to the point of almost vomiting before work everyday. Shaking on my way there and just keeping my head down as much as possible until I could go home. At the end I was going to school part time, working full time, and working another part-time job (so I could quite the full time stress job). One day I just fell asleep while I was tying my shows. My boyfriend called me in sick to work and put me back to bed. I never went back to that job. I still get the shakes when I pass the building and I haven't worked there in over 10 years.

My part-time job didn't last either. I was working in a call center and couldn't handle the stress of upselling products to people I knew probably couldn't afford them. I was moved to customer service, which was worse, because I dealt with unhappy customers and THEN tried to sell them something. To be fair, the company tried to help me, tried to figure something out where I could work, but it didn't work out. My long-time friend was kind enough to give me a part-time job at his comic book store (even though they didn't need another employee).

I worked there for the next four years and it was some of the happiest times that I've had. Working with friends, making new friends, looking forward to seeing customers. I was in a good place. I played poker on Saturday afternoons. Board games on Friday nights, movies on Tuesdays, and knitting on Thursdays. I was married and soon to graduate from college with a degree I had always wanted. Life was great. I got pregnant with our first (and only) child and was very excited.  Even after having to be on bedrest and giving an early birth I was fine. I was depressed sometimes, being taken away from my very social previous life, but I was happy our son was healthy and happy. I still am! I was strong through it all. Through our move, a new job, new town, new friends. I made it quite a while. Until I couldn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how long it will be until I hit the couldn't moment again. I hope never. I hope I'm always able to handle things, even if it is with medication. If I can't, I know I have people around me that are there to help. And that is a good feeling.

Monday, September 7, 2015


I've started painting again. I've been painting the colors I feel instead of specific objects or scenes. It has been relaxing for me. I hope it continues to be emotive and freeing.

Meta Con photos!

Thursday, August 27, 2015


Well, today I have been experimenting with making my own molds. Working on earrings currently. I've also worked on some octopi and finished a monochromatic green coral reef. Overall a good creative day.

Other things have not been the best. I've been having some issues with some friends. Trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. It upsets me. I try to not let it bother me, but sometimes I can't help it.

Sometimes I just get down.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

In Progress

I know it has been a few weeks. I've been busy.

My new job is going well. My scheduling manager is a bit intimidating to me. I need to stand up to her soon, while I am in the job early, so that it doesn't become a problem later. But aside from that, the job is going well. I like what I'm doing, I'm pretty confident in my skills and I see a lot of neat thing.

I went to a craft fair a few weeks ago, only sold three things, but it was still good to see people. Many of them commented on how unique my pieces were and how imaginative and creative I was. It was good to hear that.

I've been working on mindfulness. I purchased a special issue of Flow that is about beginning mindfulness and I want to see if there are any classes available nearby. According to research at Harvard University mindfulness can help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. I think it could possibly help me as well.

In the meantime, I've been trying to create. I made a scene of a gummy bear sailing, but I don't think it turned out well. I'm going back to coral reefs for a while and little animal figurines. I also made some bears in a bottle.

Here are works in progress.

Bears in a Bottle

Coral in progress

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Trying the Busy Thing

So far today I have taken photos of jewelry, posted necklaces to my Etsy store. Made a few clay trees, made lunch, not taken a nap and made three pairs of earrings. I'd say that so far it is a success, yeah? Considering how bad yesterday was I am considering this day a win.

Monday, August 10, 2015

New Job

I started my new job today. It is I, the girl who now works at a craft store. I may as well say goodbye to any money that I make because it will be eaten up by more craft supplies. As things tend to do, everything hits at once! There is a catalog I need to finish (as soon as I get the edits). Covers I need to work on and at least two books that need my attention. I'm trying to remember that I can do this. I just need to take a deep breath and remember that I can do this. I also need to get the creativity flowing so I can make some more items for the craft fair this weekend. Yikes on bikes!

And so, instead of doing any of that, I shall watch Adventure Time for a little while and veg out after my long five hours (I know, I know long whatever) of work.

For your viewing pleasure, new listings in the Etsy store.

Friday, August 7, 2015


I sold my first items on my Etsy store yesterday. It was a great feeling. I just finished another coral sculpture and I think I'm going to start another cactus sculpture next. After that I'd like to do some flat art pieces. I've also successfully created an octopus, I can't wait to use him!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I took the boy to see Paddington on the big screen and hope that I can be Mrs. Brown when I grow up and wear colorful tights and bright sweaters. Here is hoping!

New sculpture to go up in the shop later today. I will post a photo when it is finished baking!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Scariest Portrait I have Ever seen

As my friend Barb said, there is so much wrong with this portrait.

GenCon 2015

Well, it has been quite the weekend. I came, I saw, I bought, and I worked. GenCon was everything people have told me and more. I am so very glad I was able to work this event. I had a great time looking at costumes, costume supplies, cards, trying out games (and buying some of them), hanging with friends, and meeting new people. If you go make sure your shoulders are made of steel because you will have to fight your way through the crowds. Also, don’t get up and go downstairs in your hotel until at least 10am. Otherwise you will be stuck stopping on every floor on your way to the lobby. Thank you everyone who made this such a special weekend. I got to see Summer Glau, meet Marina Sirtis and get a photo. I saw Margaret Weiss and Tracy Hickman, which were total surprises. Both were very humble, gracious, and kind. Tracy Hickman was so nice I nearly cried.

I have to say, Indianapolis is a nice city. It has a lot of open spaces for walking, bike paths, and other public interest and attractions. If it wasn’t a Monday I would have gone to the Indianapolis Art Museum. Right now I am sitting in a wonderful juice bar, having a great smoothie called ‘The Jam’ and enjoying some air conditioning. I am about to embark back to the hotel (about a 2 mile walk), pick up my suitcase and be incredibly lazy and take a taxi to my bus stop. This has been a great weekend and though there were some ups and downs in my mood, I was able to over come them and enjoy myself.

I bought a ring this weekend. It has a message that is good for me to remember.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I'm leaving . . . on a bus trip

I'm halfway through my bus trip. Well, more than half-way. I’m currently sitting in Chicago waiting for my second bus to leave to take me to Indianapolis for GenCon. It should be fun. I'm a little nervous and I just ran out of water so I'm thirsty. Grrr. If I would have known we were going to be sitting here this long I would have gone over to the Dunkin’ Donuts and gotten something to drink.

Anyway, the time passes faster with movies on the computer, I just hope I don't run out of battery power before I finish Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh my god I love Yantu.

Today has gone okay, it has been a bit rough. I prefer my own personal space and being on a crowded bus isn't exactly relaxing. I had to take an anxiety pill earlier; I would take another one now except I'm out of water and I don't think I could take it without water. I'm looking forward to this weekend and I'm nervous about it. I hope everything goes well.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

On my way

I'm hoping that this is a permanent thing, but it seems like my mood has been leveling out. I have noticed that it seems less extreme than before. It also has allowed me to look back and see how bad I was in the past. It is like looking in the mirror and seeing your past behavior in the eyes of someone else. I'm seeing cycles I didn't realize were there and I'm lucky that I didn't have a more intense mania episode several times.

That is all for now at this late hour.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Hard day

Today is starting as a hard day. I love my Aunt but she talks a great deal and it stresses me out. I'm disappointed by this wellness expo as there isn't much in the way of mental health. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

Friday, July 24, 2015


The days are so often up and down. I'm up for a while, then down, then up, then down. Then crying about the lack of clothing that fits. All my button down shirts are too small, most of my jeans are too small. Soon I will be off to the thrift to pick up some ‘new’ clothes. I hope. I'm agitated very easily these days. I'm going to my parents, but I'm nervous. I suddenly have two books and six covers that need to be finished by Monday. Oh and there is another layout and some catalog corrections that I am waiting on.

In the last few days I have made a homemade photo light box to photograph my sculptures. I've opened my Etsy store and have seven listings. My clay has been coming along, though my jewelry has not recently. I have been in absolutely no mood to eat anything. I'm lucky if I force myself to eat breakfast and dinner, but lunch is a toss up. Trying to stay hydrated at least.

Today’s sculpture.

© Heather Lynn

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Good Day

Today was what I call a good day. I didn't sleep very well, due to a severe headache (woke me up out of sleep severe, I wanted to trepan myself). Still, I woke up feeling pretty good, glad that the Tylenol I took around midnight had worked and I was ready for the day.

I ended up making some clay figures (I still need to do the faces). I did one three times and still didn't get it right, but I decided it was okay. I've discovered if I wash my hands and work surface before I work that my clay is far less dirty (duh!!). I drew a bit. Watched some Miss Marple with Joan Hickson. I played with my son for a while and posted photos from yesterday's trip to the farm. We had a friend over yesterday evening and that was nice. She was able to run the LM out of some energy as I wasn't up to it. Today I took a nap around 2:00 and slept for about two hours. LM came and snuggled for a little while and talked to me.

I got up, baked my clay figures and waiting for C and LM to come back from their walk. They found a bone of some sort (I think it is a vertebrae). LM wants to keep it so I looked up how one would clean such a thing. Hydrogen Peroxide.

It was nice spending the day with C and LM. Nice to have a day where negative thoughts didn't rule my mind. I looked up Pinkie Pie costumes and make up and tried some out. I couldn't get myself to like how it turned out. But there are costume ideas!

I spent a lot of time drawing and thinking. This is what I drew. It is what my brain feels like at any point in the day. Sometimes there is so much going on I can't make any decisions at all. I'm paralyzed at the choices. I know that is kind of cowardly, but that is how it is.


This is how my creative process feels lately.


Friday, July 17, 2015

Up Day

Today has been an upbeat day for the most part. I did lay in bed for part of the day thinking of people who jump off bridges and what the air must feel like, but that feeling passed. I played PvZ 2 for a little while with my son and then we listened to the iPod on shuffle. Turns out he likes The Clash, Bond, and Charlie Parker. He was dancing and grooving to the music. Then I had the brilliant idea of moving my work desk downstairs and getting rid of an old desk that we don't really need. So, I took the legs off the desk, took everything off of it, lugged it downstairs and set it up. Got the spare monitor set up and all of my work tools laid out. There is a mess in the bedroom from everything that was Under the desk when it was upstairs, but I'll get to it over the next few days. Now this way I can watch video tutorials on the spare screen while I'm working. I haven't decided if this was just a normal incident or if this was more like a hypomanic incident. I was really for it when I was moving everything, but I think I exhausted myself by the time everything was complete. I did want to drag the old desk outside (because hey, I can do EVERYTHING by myself you know). But convinced myself that I should wait for my husband to help. Now I'm kind of tired, I have tingles in my tongue, kinda a numb feeling or like when your leg falls asleep. And I'm a little dizzy. I did have breakfast. And lots of water. Made my son summer sausage, strawberries, and cheese for lunch. After he finishes that up I'm going to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I doubt he'll eat the left overs from last night.

As promised

A photo of the clay gummy bears I've been making.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Day 3

Today is day three of my Bipolar II diagnosis. It is getting easier to accept. I've read a few articles about living with Bipolar or Bipolar II. One was from The Atlantic and one from Huffington Post, both were helpful in putting words or images to what I feel as well as helping my husband understand what I'm feeling. I also found a website that will help me track my medicine, side effects, and overall health (

Looking back over the last 9 months I can see very clearly that I was in a hypomanic state. I was writing like mad. A haiku at the very least, one for thirty days, sometimes eight or nine in one day. I let myself tumble into a dangerous situation with a famous person, which I am still regretting. I luckily didn't spend a ton of money, but at one point I did just stop looking at bills, which we are catching up on. I had full blown panic attacks about my parents. And honestly, who sits for 4+ hours to sort LEGOs by color. Multiple times. Knowing full well that they will get mixed back together. Really, WHO DOES THAT?

Like I said, I am feeling better about the diagnosis. I still have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes to money. My friend and I worked out a budget yesterday, complete with an allowance and how to work up to having a savings. With this plan I would be able to stay home and work, but I think my husband is not on board with that idea. So, part-time job it is! I'm nervous and scared about it, though I have no reason to be. My doctor said that is part of having bipolar disorder. Worrying about things that haven't, and in all likely hood are NOT going to happen. What if there is a line of 8 people at the checkout and I have a panic attack? What if my boss yells at me, will I cry? What happens on the days when I am too depressed to get out of bed. I know I'll force myself to get up, but what if I can't?

I promise, a photo of gummy bears will come later.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Monday, July 13, 2015

Home again

I'm home again and feeling a little better. Spending time with with friends and family is helpful. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to try to figure out my meds and get my mood in order. That should be fun. 

Yay ponies!


My medicine is not correct and it is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm happy then super sad, then really really depressed, then up again. I should be super happy right now, I'm hanging with a friend, going to see the Minion movie, have molds coming in the mail and I got a giant Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume!!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Rough and Tumble

The last few days have been rough for me. I've been very down, felt like I'm falling without a net and there is nothing but slippery vines to grab onto. Wednesday was particularly bad as was yesterday. I felt like curling up in a little ball and hiding forever, or worse, I felt like escaping it all. And it isn't anything specific. It is the little things that add up over time. The plumbing in my house that we can't afford to fix. The problem with the car that we can't afford to fix. I get like this and there isn't anything to do except look at happy things and try to get myself into a better mood. I try not to give in to the sad feelings, but sometimes I can't help it. There are some days when no amount of cat videos, My Little Pony cartoons, and Star Butterfly can help. Some things aren't logical and can't be fixed with logic. Some days you feel you just aren't worth the energy that was spent to make you.

On a bad day. © delirium_child

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

At the airport

At the airport no one can hear you scream with boredom.  Ahh! 

Beautiful day

It is a beautiful day while I sit in the cell phone lot of the MSP airport waiting for a plane to arrive. 

The weekend was nice, time was spent with family and friends. I also spent some time working with clay and drawing. 

Today will be full of games, comfort, and French cookies. Maybe I'll get a pack of MLP cards. I still need Discord.


Thursday, July 2, 2015

Should I?

What do you think, should I buy a copy of it? It is so adorable.

Multitasking Print by Britteny Lee


Yogaga is the name of the nail polish I am wearing today. It is kind of a brown-gray color. I know it doesn't sound pretty, but I think it is.

Today will be a better day. The leather cord I ordered came in and I have some ideas of how I want to use it.

Yesterday turned around, as days tend to do when I am faced with a battery of enthusiasm from friends. I have a great friends who are very supportive. My painting from a few days ago turned out well and my son got to put his robot together. My husband started reading MASH to me, which is very funny. I think in addition to MASH we are going to try to start reading a book about mindfulness. It was recommended by my doctor and may help with my depression.

Until later I will be reading Belle Armoire Jewelry, playing with my son, and watching Murder, She Wrote in the background.

Photo for today.

Love Can Be Messy by Heather.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015


The midweek slump is here. Headache this morning after probably having one too many drinks last night (which was a total of three). Crawled out of bed, made breakfast, did some yoga and now perusing the Facebook. Turkish protesters are getting hit with water hoses and rubber bullets. A glimpse of my old cat on a video of puppies. I can't seem to stop my eyes from watering this morning and I'm not sure what is wrong. I don't know that there is anything wrong, except for a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm not sure the Latuda is working. I seem to be having a lot more ups and downs and nothing really steady. It could be because summer is full of ups and downs, but I don't think that is the complete cause.

I did a painting yesterday, a large one on wood in the style of Jackson Pollock. Someone stopped by and thought that my 8 year old did it, so that made me a little disheartened. My husband likes it though. I need to bring it inside as I think it might ran in a little while.

One of my least favorite tasks has been completed, ahem, paying bills. Ugh. I should just be happy we have the money to pay them though, I know that there are others that cannot afford even that.

I'm avoiding work. I have a few small things to work on and I know I need to work on them (I've only been avoiding it for a day). The entire work situation, with my feelings toward the employer and the history, not to mention the rudeness on their part of not even sending a response to my thank you letter, it has all left me quite disgusted. But, we need money, so sometimes we have to do things we aren't very happy about.

As soon as the files are done downloading I will start the project and put on some ST:TNG. The LM's robot should come today so I need to get some things done before the afternoon is spent in assembly. (which is going to be a riot. we are going to have fun!).

Obligatory photo.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Yesterday's Art

Forgot to post my creativity (as it were) yesterday. Playing with a new brush in Photoshop.
The colors attest to the mood I was in.

Trying to clean

I've been exercising more lately, focusing on yoga and aerobics. Trying desperately to get ride of the pounds I put on while I was taking the Abilify. When I started that medication back in August of 2014 I weight 120lbs. Now I weigh 140lbs. I know it isn't a log, but it doesn't help my mood to have to go to the thrift and get new clothes every other month.

Today is the LM's check up. He is less than thrilled and has been pouting all morning, but he will get through it. Overall he is a very healthy kid and I am lucky to have such a great boy.

My mood is better today. I actually have drive to do some research and continue some knitting, so that is something at least. My husband also had a great idea as to how I can tackle the house (which is a mess). We have a classic case of too much stuff, too little space. At least a quarter of it are my hobbies. Knitting, spinning, sculpture, beading, and sewing take up quite a bit of space. At least another quarter to half is my son's craft stuff and toys (we both really like to make things). The last quarter, well, that is just the everyday dishes, laundry, etc. Anyway, my husband suggested I put the name of each room into a hat. Draw a room out of the hat and work on cleaning that room for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes is done I stop and either clean a different room, or go do something else. He said that way I should be able to take the house in small bites rather than looking at it as a whole and being overwhelmed. I'm going to try it, possibly starting today. (It depends, it looks like there could be some good hammock time outside today).

That is it for now. I did my morning exercise. Got out of bed before 9 a.m. and brushed my hair. Hello world! 

Monday, June 29, 2015

Another Monday

Today is another Monday. I am feeling indifferent. Nothing interests me. I have so many things I would like to do, yet I am paralyzed by too many choices. I want to work with clay, but I'm not sure what I want to make. I want to make jewelry, yet I have no ideas as to what type of piece to make. I would like to draw, but each thing I draw makes me disappointed in my skills. I tried playing with LEGOs with my son, but even that had no appeal. I of course played with him, tickled, giggled, I do all of the things I normally do as a mom. 

My LM is off at his grandparents now, and I am alone in the house. Over the last few days I have done some simple paintings, a few drawings, I've read quite a bit. From Scythia to Camelot. It is a very fascinating book. 

So, for the rest of the day I will watch Star Trek: TNG, print out the latest information I have received from my work. Clean house, and look forward to my husband coming home. Maybe I'll exercise. And of course, mess with the cats.

Picture of the day: