Where I wonder about meds

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I stopped taking all of my medicines. Who is the me beneath all of this ‘help.’ Would I be the same me, but unable to handle certain situations? Would I have more creativity? Or would I lay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. Would I do drastic things? Would I hurt myself? Would I make bad decisions? I don't know. I remember being happy before, but it was such a long time ago.

I've been on one medication or another since I was in my early 20s. I had my first breakdown when I was 21 and working in a very stressful job. Up until then I had had a job since I was 15, and before that I had babysat. I got my homework done at school, I had a very high grade point average. I was in choir, show choir, and vocal jazz. I was in plays. I went to bible study. But I realize that even in high school I wasn't the smartest. I didn't make decisions that were in my own best interest. I talked to people on the internet that I had absolutely no business talking to. I met people that I should never have met. Were these early signs that I was bipolar? 

I had my second, serious mental breakdown when I was 24. The stress of the job became too much. I couldn't handle my boss who was intimidating, who liked to throw things at employees and make loud noises just to see the employees jump. I was ridiculed on a regular basis, and told that my now husband (then boyfriend) wasn't worth it, that I could do better, and that he was suspicious because of his job history. Yes. My boss, the owner of the company told me all of this. He also told me I would never make as much money as him because I wasn't him and gave me a nickel raise. I was to the point of almost vomiting before work everyday. Shaking on my way there and just keeping my head down as much as possible until I could go home. At the end I was going to school part time, working full time, and working another part-time job (so I could quite the full time stress job). One day I just fell asleep while I was tying my shows. My boyfriend called me in sick to work and put me back to bed. I never went back to that job. I still get the shakes when I pass the building and I haven't worked there in over 10 years.

My part-time job didn't last either. I was working in a call center and couldn't handle the stress of upselling products to people I knew probably couldn't afford them. I was moved to customer service, which was worse, because I dealt with unhappy customers and THEN tried to sell them something. To be fair, the company tried to help me, tried to figure something out where I could work, but it didn't work out. My long-time friend was kind enough to give me a part-time job at his comic book store (even though they didn't need another employee).

I worked there for the next four years and it was some of the happiest times that I've had. Working with friends, making new friends, looking forward to seeing customers. I was in a good place. I played poker on Saturday afternoons. Board games on Friday nights, movies on Tuesdays, and knitting on Thursdays. I was married and soon to graduate from college with a degree I had always wanted. Life was great. I got pregnant with our first (and only) child and was very excited.  Even after having to be on bedrest and giving an early birth I was fine. I was depressed sometimes, being taken away from my very social previous life, but I was happy our son was healthy and happy. I still am! I was strong through it all. Through our move, a new job, new town, new friends. I made it quite a while. Until I couldn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how long it will be until I hit the couldn't moment again. I hope never. I hope I'm always able to handle things, even if it is with medication. If I can't, I know I have people around me that are there to help. And that is a good feeling.

Better?

The days are so often up and down. I'm up for a while, then down, then up, then down. Then crying about the lack of clothing that fits. All my button down shirts are too small, most of my jeans are too small. Soon I will be off to the thrift to pick up some ‘new’ clothes. I hope. I'm agitated very easily these days. I'm going to my parents, but I'm nervous. I suddenly have two books and six covers that need to be finished by Monday. Oh and there is another layout and some catalog corrections that I am waiting on.

In the last few days I have made a homemade photo light box to photograph my sculptures. I've opened my Etsy store and have seven listings. My clay has been coming along, though my jewelry has not recently. I have been in absolutely no mood to eat anything. I'm lucky if I force myself to eat breakfast and dinner, but lunch is a toss up. Trying to stay hydrated at least.

Today’s sculpture.

© Heather Lynn

Good Day

Today was what I call a good day. I didn't sleep very well, due to a severe headache (woke me up out of sleep severe, I wanted to trepan myself). Still, I woke up feeling pretty good, glad that the Tylenol I took around midnight had worked and I was ready for the day.

I ended up making some clay figures (I still need to do the faces). I did one three times and still didn't get it right, but I decided it was okay. I've discovered if I wash my hands and work surface before I work that my clay is far less dirty (duh!!). I drew a bit. Watched some Miss Marple with Joan Hickson. I played with my son for a while and posted photos from yesterday's trip to the farm. We had a friend over yesterday evening and that was nice. She was able to run the LM out of some energy as I wasn't up to it. Today I took a nap around 2:00 and slept for about two hours. LM came and snuggled for a little while and talked to me.

I got up, baked my clay figures and waiting for C and LM to come back from their walk. They found a bone of some sort (I think it is a vertebrae). LM wants to keep it so I looked up how one would clean such a thing. Hydrogen Peroxide.

It was nice spending the day with C and LM. Nice to have a day where negative thoughts didn't rule my mind. I looked up Pinkie Pie costumes and make up and tried some out. I couldn't get myself to like how it turned out. But there are costume ideas!

I spent a lot of time drawing and thinking. This is what I drew. It is what my brain feels like at any point in the day. Sometimes there is so much going on I can't make any decisions at all. I'm paralyzed at the choices. I know that is kind of cowardly, but that is how it is.

Up Day

Today has been an upbeat day for the most part. I did lay in bed for part of the day thinking of people who jump off bridges and what the air must feel like, but that feeling passed. I played PvZ 2 for a little while with my son and then we listened to the iPod on shuffle. Turns out he likes The Clash, Bond, and Charlie Parker. He was dancing and grooving to the music. Then I had the brilliant idea of moving my work desk downstairs and getting rid of an old desk that we don't really need. So, I took the legs off the desk, took everything off of it, lugged it downstairs and set it up. Got the spare monitor set up and all of my work tools laid out. There is a mess in the bedroom from everything that was Under the desk when it was upstairs, but I'll get to it over the next few days. Now this way I can watch video tutorials on the spare screen while I'm working. I haven't decided if this was just a normal incident or if this was more like a hypomanic incident. I was really for it when I was moving everything, but I think I exhausted myself by the time everything was complete. I did want to drag the old desk outside (because hey, I can do EVERYTHING by myself you know). But convinced myself that I should wait for my husband to help. Now I'm kind of tired, I have tingles in my tongue, kinda a numb feeling or like when your leg falls asleep. And I'm a little dizzy. I did have breakfast. And lots of water. Made my son summer sausage, strawberries, and cheese for lunch. After he finishes that up I'm going to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I doubt he'll eat the left overs from last night.

Midweek

The midweek slump is here. Headache this morning after probably having one too many drinks last night (which was a total of three). Crawled out of bed, made breakfast, did some yoga and now perusing the Facebook. Turkish protesters are getting hit with water hoses and rubber bullets. A glimpse of my old cat on a video of puppies. I can't seem to stop my eyes from watering this morning and I'm not sure what is wrong. I don't know that there is anything wrong, except for a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm not sure the Latuda is working. I seem to be having a lot more ups and downs and nothing really steady. It could be because summer is full of ups and downs, but I don't think that is the complete cause.

I did a painting yesterday, a large one on wood in the style of Jackson Pollock. Someone stopped by and thought that my 8 year old did it, so that made me a little disheartened. My husband likes it though. I need to bring it inside as I think it might ran in a little while.

One of my least favorite tasks has been completed, ahem, paying bills. Ugh. I should just be happy we have the money to pay them though, I know that there are others that cannot afford even that.

I'm avoiding work. I have a few small things to work on and I know I need to work on them (I've only been avoiding it for a day). The entire work situation, with my feelings toward the employer and the history, not to mention the rudeness on their part of not even sending a response to my thank you letter, it has all left me quite disgusted. But, we need money, so sometimes we have to do things we aren't very happy about.

As soon as the files are done downloading I will start the project and put on some ST:TNG. The LM's robot should come today so I need to get some things done before the afternoon is spent in assembly. (which is going to be a riot. we are going to have fun!).

Obligatory photo.