Sunday, September 27, 2015

Hypomania slow down

I'm slowing down, but I think it is because I don't have the money to buy more paints and I've nearly run out of the colors I use. I try mixing the ones I need, and have come up with some good alternatives, but I'm running out of white and that is kind of an essential color in making the lighter shades.

I still feel kind of a buzzing and I wonder how to make it stop. It stops when I paint and sometimes when I zone out on television, but it is nearly impossible to read a book, write, or get actual work done. I have trouble sitting still, or, on the other hand, I have been napping a lot lately. I had a drink today and that was a mistake. I felt exhausted and nauseous after I drank it.

My father-in-law took some photos of my paintings today so I could list them on Etsy. I'm not sure if anyone will buy them, but I thought it couldn't hurt to get them out there.

I feel on edge. I don't know what to do, so I think I should sleep, except I'm not tired. I don't want to waste my life sleeping if I'm not even tired. I want to paint, but have the afore mentioned problem with paints. I'm also nearly out of canvas. I'm going to paint over one of them, but after that I think I'm stuck with paper for a little while. When I draw I hate it because things don't turn out like I have them in my head, but when I'm painting it is more feeling and movement that is going down in the brush strokes and there is no preconceived plan. I just do. I suppose I could play video games, where I'm forced in to making decisions, but I don't want to do that either because I feel like I don't contribute to anything if I do that.

I really just want to relax, which is difficult for me right now. My house is a mess, which makes me feel chaotic. I need my son to start cleaning up after himself when he is playing. I'm tired of stepping on things and tripping on things in the dark.

I'm finally used to the medicine, because it isn't making me tired any longer.

Untitled Movement

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Well, I've been painting a lot

If you are wondering why I haven't been blogging. I've been doing a lot of painting. I'm concerned that this is a hypo-manic state, but the painting feels so good that I just can’t stop making new art pieces.

There have been ups and downs lately. Up days, down days, up and down in the same day. Frustrating. All I want to do is sleep and paint. Paint and sleep. Snuggle with kitties. But I know that is not all that I can do. I need to work, do actual work. Work on books, go to my job. The job situation is getting better, I'm not panicking quite so much before I go in. An unnerving development was a doctor appointment that got canceled (the doctor was sick). And it has been rescheduled for a month away. I'm hoping that I can last that long. I feel like missing that appointment has sent me in to an unsteady slide. But, I can get over it. I keep telling myself. I can get over it. I can get through it. Everything that is being thrown at me can be overcome.

So, here are some paintings.

A Cat's Purr

A Cat's Purr

Finding a window

Friday, September 11, 2015

Where I wonder about meds

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I stopped taking all of my medicines. Who is the me beneath all of this ‘help.’ Would I be the same me, but unable to handle certain situations? Would I have more creativity? Or would I lay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. Would I do drastic things? Would I hurt myself? Would I make bad decisions? I don't know. I remember being happy before, but it was such a long time ago.

I've been on one medication or another since I was in my early 20s. I had my first breakdown when I was 21 and working in a very stressful job. Up until then I had had a job since I was 15, and before that I had babysat. I got my homework done at school, I had a very high grade point average. I was in choir, show choir, and vocal jazz. I was in plays. I went to bible study. But I realize that even in high school I wasn't the smartest. I didn't make decisions that were in my own best interest. I talked to people on the internet that I had absolutely no business talking to. I met people that I should never have met. Were these early signs that I was bipolar? 

I had my second, serious mental breakdown when I was 24. The stress of the job became too much. I couldn't handle my boss who was intimidating, who liked to throw things at employees and make loud noises just to see the employees jump. I was ridiculed on a regular basis, and told that my now husband (then boyfriend) wasn't worth it, that I could do better, and that he was suspicious because of his job history. Yes. My boss, the owner of the company told me all of this. He also told me I would never make as much money as him because I wasn't him and gave me a nickel raise. I was to the point of almost vomiting before work everyday. Shaking on my way there and just keeping my head down as much as possible until I could go home. At the end I was going to school part time, working full time, and working another part-time job (so I could quite the full time stress job). One day I just fell asleep while I was tying my shows. My boyfriend called me in sick to work and put me back to bed. I never went back to that job. I still get the shakes when I pass the building and I haven't worked there in over 10 years.

My part-time job didn't last either. I was working in a call center and couldn't handle the stress of upselling products to people I knew probably couldn't afford them. I was moved to customer service, which was worse, because I dealt with unhappy customers and THEN tried to sell them something. To be fair, the company tried to help me, tried to figure something out where I could work, but it didn't work out. My long-time friend was kind enough to give me a part-time job at his comic book store (even though they didn't need another employee).

I worked there for the next four years and it was some of the happiest times that I've had. Working with friends, making new friends, looking forward to seeing customers. I was in a good place. I played poker on Saturday afternoons. Board games on Friday nights, movies on Tuesdays, and knitting on Thursdays. I was married and soon to graduate from college with a degree I had always wanted. Life was great. I got pregnant with our first (and only) child and was very excited.  Even after having to be on bedrest and giving an early birth I was fine. I was depressed sometimes, being taken away from my very social previous life, but I was happy our son was healthy and happy. I still am! I was strong through it all. Through our move, a new job, new town, new friends. I made it quite a while. Until I couldn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how long it will be until I hit the couldn't moment again. I hope never. I hope I'm always able to handle things, even if it is with medication. If I can't, I know I have people around me that are there to help. And that is a good feeling.

Monday, September 7, 2015


I've started painting again. I've been painting the colors I feel instead of specific objects or scenes. It has been relaxing for me. I hope it continues to be emotive and freeing.

Meta Con photos!