Where I wonder about meds

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I stopped taking all of my medicines. Who is the me beneath all of this ‘help.’ Would I be the same me, but unable to handle certain situations? Would I have more creativity? Or would I lay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. Would I do drastic things? Would I hurt myself? Would I make bad decisions? I don't know. I remember being happy before, but it was such a long time ago.

I've been on one medication or another since I was in my early 20s. I had my first breakdown when I was 21 and working in a very stressful job. Up until then I had had a job since I was 15, and before that I had babysat. I got my homework done at school, I had a very high grade point average. I was in choir, show choir, and vocal jazz. I was in plays. I went to bible study. But I realize that even in high school I wasn't the smartest. I didn't make decisions that were in my own best interest. I talked to people on the internet that I had absolutely no business talking to. I met people that I should never have met. Were these early signs that I was bipolar? 

I had my second, serious mental breakdown when I was 24. The stress of the job became too much. I couldn't handle my boss who was intimidating, who liked to throw things at employees and make loud noises just to see the employees jump. I was ridiculed on a regular basis, and told that my now husband (then boyfriend) wasn't worth it, that I could do better, and that he was suspicious because of his job history. Yes. My boss, the owner of the company told me all of this. He also told me I would never make as much money as him because I wasn't him and gave me a nickel raise. I was to the point of almost vomiting before work everyday. Shaking on my way there and just keeping my head down as much as possible until I could go home. At the end I was going to school part time, working full time, and working another part-time job (so I could quite the full time stress job). One day I just fell asleep while I was tying my shows. My boyfriend called me in sick to work and put me back to bed. I never went back to that job. I still get the shakes when I pass the building and I haven't worked there in over 10 years.

My part-time job didn't last either. I was working in a call center and couldn't handle the stress of upselling products to people I knew probably couldn't afford them. I was moved to customer service, which was worse, because I dealt with unhappy customers and THEN tried to sell them something. To be fair, the company tried to help me, tried to figure something out where I could work, but it didn't work out. My long-time friend was kind enough to give me a part-time job at his comic book store (even though they didn't need another employee).

I worked there for the next four years and it was some of the happiest times that I've had. Working with friends, making new friends, looking forward to seeing customers. I was in a good place. I played poker on Saturday afternoons. Board games on Friday nights, movies on Tuesdays, and knitting on Thursdays. I was married and soon to graduate from college with a degree I had always wanted. Life was great. I got pregnant with our first (and only) child and was very excited.  Even after having to be on bedrest and giving an early birth I was fine. I was depressed sometimes, being taken away from my very social previous life, but I was happy our son was healthy and happy. I still am! I was strong through it all. Through our move, a new job, new town, new friends. I made it quite a while. Until I couldn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how long it will be until I hit the couldn't moment again. I hope never. I hope I'm always able to handle things, even if it is with medication. If I can't, I know I have people around me that are there to help. And that is a good feeling.

Day 3

Today is day three of my Bipolar II diagnosis. It is getting easier to accept. I've read a few articles about living with Bipolar or Bipolar II. One was from The Atlantic and one from Huffington Post, both were helpful in putting words or images to what I feel as well as helping my husband understand what I'm feeling. I also found a website that will help me track my medicine, side effects, and overall health (FacingUs.org).

Looking back over the last 9 months I can see very clearly that I was in a hypomanic state. I was writing like mad. A haiku at the very least, one for thirty days, sometimes eight or nine in one day. I let myself tumble into a dangerous situation with a famous person, which I am still regretting. I luckily didn't spend a ton of money, but at one point I did just stop looking at bills, which we are catching up on. I had full blown panic attacks about my parents. And honestly, who sits for 4+ hours to sort LEGOs by color. Multiple times. Knowing full well that they will get mixed back together. Really, WHO DOES THAT?

Like I said, I am feeling better about the diagnosis. I still have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes to money. My friend and I worked out a budget yesterday, complete with an allowance and how to work up to having a savings. With this plan I would be able to stay home and work, but I think my husband is not on board with that idea. So, part-time job it is! I'm nervous and scared about it, though I have no reason to be. My doctor said that is part of having bipolar disorder. Worrying about things that haven't, and in all likely hood are NOT going to happen. What if there is a line of 8 people at the checkout and I have a panic attack? What if my boss yells at me, will I cry? What happens on the days when I am too depressed to get out of bed. I know I'll force myself to get up, but what if I can't?

I promise, a photo of gummy bears will come later.

Medicine

My medicine is not correct and it is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm happy then super sad, then really really depressed, then up again. I should be super happy right now, I'm hanging with a friend, going to see the Minion movie, have molds coming in the mail and I got a giant Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume!!

Rough and Tumble

The last few days have been rough for me. I've been very down, felt like I'm falling without a net and there is nothing but slippery vines to grab onto. Wednesday was particularly bad as was yesterday. I felt like curling up in a little ball and hiding forever, or worse, I felt like escaping it all. And it isn't anything specific. It is the little things that add up over time. The plumbing in my house that we can't afford to fix. The problem with the car that we can't afford to fix. I get like this and there isn't anything to do except look at happy things and try to get myself into a better mood. I try not to give in to the sad feelings, but sometimes I can't help it. There are some days when no amount of cat videos, My Little Pony cartoons, and Star Butterfly can help. Some things aren't logical and can't be fixed with logic. Some days you feel you just aren't worth the energy that was spent to make you.

On a bad day. © delirium_child

Yogaga

Yogaga is the name of the nail polish I am wearing today. It is kind of a brown-gray color. I know it doesn't sound pretty, but I think it is.

Today will be a better day. The leather cord I ordered came in and I have some ideas of how I want to use it.

Yesterday turned around, as days tend to do when I am faced with a battery of enthusiasm from friends. I have a great friends who are very supportive. My painting from a few days ago turned out well and my son got to put his robot together. My husband started reading MASH to me, which is very funny. I think in addition to MASH we are going to try to start reading a book about mindfulness. It was recommended by my doctor and may help with my depression.

Until later I will be reading Belle Armoire Jewelry, playing with my son, and watching Murder, She Wrote in the background.

Photo for today.

Love Can Be Messy by Heather.

Midweek

The midweek slump is here. Headache this morning after probably having one too many drinks last night (which was a total of three). Crawled out of bed, made breakfast, did some yoga and now perusing the Facebook. Turkish protesters are getting hit with water hoses and rubber bullets. A glimpse of my old cat on a video of puppies. I can't seem to stop my eyes from watering this morning and I'm not sure what is wrong. I don't know that there is anything wrong, except for a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm not sure the Latuda is working. I seem to be having a lot more ups and downs and nothing really steady. It could be because summer is full of ups and downs, but I don't think that is the complete cause.

I did a painting yesterday, a large one on wood in the style of Jackson Pollock. Someone stopped by and thought that my 8 year old did it, so that made me a little disheartened. My husband likes it though. I need to bring it inside as I think it might ran in a little while.

One of my least favorite tasks has been completed, ahem, paying bills. Ugh. I should just be happy we have the money to pay them though, I know that there are others that cannot afford even that.

I'm avoiding work. I have a few small things to work on and I know I need to work on them (I've only been avoiding it for a day). The entire work situation, with my feelings toward the employer and the history, not to mention the rudeness on their part of not even sending a response to my thank you letter, it has all left me quite disgusted. But, we need money, so sometimes we have to do things we aren't very happy about.

As soon as the files are done downloading I will start the project and put on some ST:TNG. The LM's robot should come today so I need to get some things done before the afternoon is spent in assembly. (which is going to be a riot. we are going to have fun!).

Obligatory photo.

Yesterday's Art

Forgot to post my creativity (as it were) yesterday. Playing with a new brush in Photoshop.
The colors attest to the mood I was in.

Trying to clean

I've been exercising more lately, focusing on yoga and aerobics. Trying desperately to get ride of the pounds I put on while I was taking the Abilify. When I started that medication back in August of 2014 I weight 120lbs. Now I weigh 140lbs. I know it isn't a log, but it doesn't help my mood to have to go to the thrift and get new clothes every other month.

Today is the LM's check up. He is less than thrilled and has been pouting all morning, but he will get through it. Overall he is a very healthy kid and I am lucky to have such a great boy.

My mood is better today. I actually have drive to do some research and continue some knitting, so that is something at least. My husband also had a great idea as to how I can tackle the house (which is a mess). We have a classic case of too much stuff, too little space. At least a quarter of it are my hobbies. Knitting, spinning, sculpture, beading, and sewing take up quite a bit of space. At least another quarter to half is my son's craft stuff and toys (we both really like to make things). The last quarter, well, that is just the everyday dishes, laundry, etc. Anyway, my husband suggested I put the name of each room into a hat. Draw a room out of the hat and work on cleaning that room for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes is done I stop and either clean a different room, or go do something else. He said that way I should be able to take the house in small bites rather than looking at it as a whole and being overwhelmed. I'm going to try it, possibly starting today. (It depends, it looks like there could be some good hammock time outside today).

That is it for now. I did my morning exercise. Got out of bed before 9 a.m. and brushed my hair. Hello world! 

Another Monday

Today is another Monday. I am feeling indifferent. Nothing interests me. I have so many things I would like to do, yet I am paralyzed by too many choices. I want to work with clay, but I'm not sure what I want to make. I want to make jewelry, yet I have no ideas as to what type of piece to make. I would like to draw, but each thing I draw makes me disappointed in my skills. I tried playing with LEGOs with my son, but even that had no appeal. I of course played with him, tickled, giggled, I do all of the things I normally do as a mom. 

My LM is off at his grandparents now, and I am alone in the house. Over the last few days I have done some simple paintings, a few drawings, I've read quite a bit. From Scythia to Camelot. It is a very fascinating book. 

So, for the rest of the day I will watch Star Trek: TNG, print out the latest information I have received from my work. Clean house, and look forward to my husband coming home. Maybe I'll exercise. And of course, mess with the cats.

Picture of the day:

One hell of a day

Today has not been the greatest of days. I have a UTI, which may have spread to one of my kidneys. I am in a lot of pain, very tired, and not in the mood to put up with stress. Unfortunately that is exactly what I have to deal with. Stress of work, finding work, getting my web site in order, etc. I know if I concentrate I can get these things done. It is just difficult to concentrate at times.

Depression

My dad is depressed. He is depressed because my mother is depressed. And both of them keep telling me how hard it is to have depression. That I don't understand what it is like, that it is so hard.

I tell them. Yeah, actually, I DO know what it is like. I've been dealing with it for the last twelve years.

But my words fall on deaf ears. They can't see past themselves. It doesn't matter that visiting them causes a panic attack. I tell my sister, I have to take an anxiety pill just to visit. And she replies, have you tried Not taking a pill? Why yes, sister dear, I have, and that causes me to have a panic attack and be unable to breath.

This isn't something you can will away. It is not something you 'tie a knot' in, as my dad likes to say.

I know everyone has their own problems, and yes, the situation my parents are in sucks. My mom has basically been sick for the last four years. My dad has had to take on the responsibilities of the household (wow, your mom does A LOT, he said).

The only reason I am still talking to them right now, after the guilt trips, the fighting, the terrible daughter rants, is for my son, who loves his grandparents.

And they would rather him not visit, because seeing him and being unable to play will only make my mom more depressed.

So, what is the point of continuing? I don't know. All I do know is that I'm sick of my dad treating depression like it is this new thing that just happened and that he and my mom have it and I don't understand.

Fuck you, I do understand. I wish you could.