Where I wonder about meds

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I stopped taking all of my medicines. Who is the me beneath all of this ‘help.’ Would I be the same me, but unable to handle certain situations? Would I have more creativity? Or would I lay in bed all day with a blanket over my head. Would I do drastic things? Would I hurt myself? Would I make bad decisions? I don't know. I remember being happy before, but it was such a long time ago.

I've been on one medication or another since I was in my early 20s. I had my first breakdown when I was 21 and working in a very stressful job. Up until then I had had a job since I was 15, and before that I had babysat. I got my homework done at school, I had a very high grade point average. I was in choir, show choir, and vocal jazz. I was in plays. I went to bible study. But I realize that even in high school I wasn't the smartest. I didn't make decisions that were in my own best interest. I talked to people on the internet that I had absolutely no business talking to. I met people that I should never have met. Were these early signs that I was bipolar? 

I had my second, serious mental breakdown when I was 24. The stress of the job became too much. I couldn't handle my boss who was intimidating, who liked to throw things at employees and make loud noises just to see the employees jump. I was ridiculed on a regular basis, and told that my now husband (then boyfriend) wasn't worth it, that I could do better, and that he was suspicious because of his job history. Yes. My boss, the owner of the company told me all of this. He also told me I would never make as much money as him because I wasn't him and gave me a nickel raise. I was to the point of almost vomiting before work everyday. Shaking on my way there and just keeping my head down as much as possible until I could go home. At the end I was going to school part time, working full time, and working another part-time job (so I could quite the full time stress job). One day I just fell asleep while I was tying my shows. My boyfriend called me in sick to work and put me back to bed. I never went back to that job. I still get the shakes when I pass the building and I haven't worked there in over 10 years.

My part-time job didn't last either. I was working in a call center and couldn't handle the stress of upselling products to people I knew probably couldn't afford them. I was moved to customer service, which was worse, because I dealt with unhappy customers and THEN tried to sell them something. To be fair, the company tried to help me, tried to figure something out where I could work, but it didn't work out. My long-time friend was kind enough to give me a part-time job at his comic book store (even though they didn't need another employee).

I worked there for the next four years and it was some of the happiest times that I've had. Working with friends, making new friends, looking forward to seeing customers. I was in a good place. I played poker on Saturday afternoons. Board games on Friday nights, movies on Tuesdays, and knitting on Thursdays. I was married and soon to graduate from college with a degree I had always wanted. Life was great. I got pregnant with our first (and only) child and was very excited.  Even after having to be on bedrest and giving an early birth I was fine. I was depressed sometimes, being taken away from my very social previous life, but I was happy our son was healthy and happy. I still am! I was strong through it all. Through our move, a new job, new town, new friends. I made it quite a while. Until I couldn't. 

Sometimes I wonder how long it will be until I hit the couldn't moment again. I hope never. I hope I'm always able to handle things, even if it is with medication. If I can't, I know I have people around me that are there to help. And that is a good feeling.

On my way

I'm hoping that this is a permanent thing, but it seems like my mood has been leveling out. I have noticed that it seems less extreme than before. It also has allowed me to look back and see how bad I was in the past. It is like looking in the mirror and seeing your past behavior in the eyes of someone else. I'm seeing cycles I didn't realize were there and I'm lucky that I didn't have a more intense mania episode several times.

That is all for now at this late hour.

Better?

The days are so often up and down. I'm up for a while, then down, then up, then down. Then crying about the lack of clothing that fits. All my button down shirts are too small, most of my jeans are too small. Soon I will be off to the thrift to pick up some ‘new’ clothes. I hope. I'm agitated very easily these days. I'm going to my parents, but I'm nervous. I suddenly have two books and six covers that need to be finished by Monday. Oh and there is another layout and some catalog corrections that I am waiting on.

In the last few days I have made a homemade photo light box to photograph my sculptures. I've opened my Etsy store and have seven listings. My clay has been coming along, though my jewelry has not recently. I have been in absolutely no mood to eat anything. I'm lucky if I force myself to eat breakfast and dinner, but lunch is a toss up. Trying to stay hydrated at least.

Today’s sculpture.

© Heather Lynn

Good Day

Today was what I call a good day. I didn't sleep very well, due to a severe headache (woke me up out of sleep severe, I wanted to trepan myself). Still, I woke up feeling pretty good, glad that the Tylenol I took around midnight had worked and I was ready for the day.

I ended up making some clay figures (I still need to do the faces). I did one three times and still didn't get it right, but I decided it was okay. I've discovered if I wash my hands and work surface before I work that my clay is far less dirty (duh!!). I drew a bit. Watched some Miss Marple with Joan Hickson. I played with my son for a while and posted photos from yesterday's trip to the farm. We had a friend over yesterday evening and that was nice. She was able to run the LM out of some energy as I wasn't up to it. Today I took a nap around 2:00 and slept for about two hours. LM came and snuggled for a little while and talked to me.

I got up, baked my clay figures and waiting for C and LM to come back from their walk. They found a bone of some sort (I think it is a vertebrae). LM wants to keep it so I looked up how one would clean such a thing. Hydrogen Peroxide.

It was nice spending the day with C and LM. Nice to have a day where negative thoughts didn't rule my mind. I looked up Pinkie Pie costumes and make up and tried some out. I couldn't get myself to like how it turned out. But there are costume ideas!

I spent a lot of time drawing and thinking. This is what I drew. It is what my brain feels like at any point in the day. Sometimes there is so much going on I can't make any decisions at all. I'm paralyzed at the choices. I know that is kind of cowardly, but that is how it is.

Creativity

This is how my creative process feels lately.

Gah!

Up Day

Today has been an upbeat day for the most part. I did lay in bed for part of the day thinking of people who jump off bridges and what the air must feel like, but that feeling passed. I played PvZ 2 for a little while with my son and then we listened to the iPod on shuffle. Turns out he likes The Clash, Bond, and Charlie Parker. He was dancing and grooving to the music. Then I had the brilliant idea of moving my work desk downstairs and getting rid of an old desk that we don't really need. So, I took the legs off the desk, took everything off of it, lugged it downstairs and set it up. Got the spare monitor set up and all of my work tools laid out. There is a mess in the bedroom from everything that was Under the desk when it was upstairs, but I'll get to it over the next few days. Now this way I can watch video tutorials on the spare screen while I'm working. I haven't decided if this was just a normal incident or if this was more like a hypomanic incident. I was really for it when I was moving everything, but I think I exhausted myself by the time everything was complete. I did want to drag the old desk outside (because hey, I can do EVERYTHING by myself you know). But convinced myself that I should wait for my husband to help. Now I'm kind of tired, I have tingles in my tongue, kinda a numb feeling or like when your leg falls asleep. And I'm a little dizzy. I did have breakfast. And lots of water. Made my son summer sausage, strawberries, and cheese for lunch. After he finishes that up I'm going to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I doubt he'll eat the left overs from last night.

Day 3

Today is day three of my Bipolar II diagnosis. It is getting easier to accept. I've read a few articles about living with Bipolar or Bipolar II. One was from The Atlantic and one from Huffington Post, both were helpful in putting words or images to what I feel as well as helping my husband understand what I'm feeling. I also found a website that will help me track my medicine, side effects, and overall health (FacingUs.org).

Looking back over the last 9 months I can see very clearly that I was in a hypomanic state. I was writing like mad. A haiku at the very least, one for thirty days, sometimes eight or nine in one day. I let myself tumble into a dangerous situation with a famous person, which I am still regretting. I luckily didn't spend a ton of money, but at one point I did just stop looking at bills, which we are catching up on. I had full blown panic attacks about my parents. And honestly, who sits for 4+ hours to sort LEGOs by color. Multiple times. Knowing full well that they will get mixed back together. Really, WHO DOES THAT?

Like I said, I am feeling better about the diagnosis. I still have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes to money. My friend and I worked out a budget yesterday, complete with an allowance and how to work up to having a savings. With this plan I would be able to stay home and work, but I think my husband is not on board with that idea. So, part-time job it is! I'm nervous and scared about it, though I have no reason to be. My doctor said that is part of having bipolar disorder. Worrying about things that haven't, and in all likely hood are NOT going to happen. What if there is a line of 8 people at the checkout and I have a panic attack? What if my boss yells at me, will I cry? What happens on the days when I am too depressed to get out of bed. I know I'll force myself to get up, but what if I can't?

I promise, a photo of gummy bears will come later.