I'm leaving . . . on a bus trip

I'm halfway through my bus trip. Well, more than half-way. I’m currently sitting in Chicago waiting for my second bus to leave to take me to Indianapolis for GenCon. It should be fun. I'm a little nervous and I just ran out of water so I'm thirsty. Grrr. If I would have known we were going to be sitting here this long I would have gone over to the Dunkin’ Donuts and gotten something to drink.

Anyway, the time passes faster with movies on the computer, I just hope I don't run out of battery power before I finish Guardians of the Galaxy. Oh my god I love Yantu.

Today has gone okay, it has been a bit rough. I prefer my own personal space and being on a crowded bus isn't exactly relaxing. I had to take an anxiety pill earlier; I would take another one now except I'm out of water and I don't think I could take it without water. I'm looking forward to this weekend and I'm nervous about it. I hope everything goes well.

On my way

I'm hoping that this is a permanent thing, but it seems like my mood has been leveling out. I have noticed that it seems less extreme than before. It also has allowed me to look back and see how bad I was in the past. It is like looking in the mirror and seeing your past behavior in the eyes of someone else. I'm seeing cycles I didn't realize were there and I'm lucky that I didn't have a more intense mania episode several times.

That is all for now at this late hour.

Hard day

Today is starting as a hard day. I love my Aunt but she talks a great deal and it stresses me out. I'm disappointed by this wellness expo as there isn't much in the way of mental health. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

Better?

The days are so often up and down. I'm up for a while, then down, then up, then down. Then crying about the lack of clothing that fits. All my button down shirts are too small, most of my jeans are too small. Soon I will be off to the thrift to pick up some ‘new’ clothes. I hope. I'm agitated very easily these days. I'm going to my parents, but I'm nervous. I suddenly have two books and six covers that need to be finished by Monday. Oh and there is another layout and some catalog corrections that I am waiting on.

In the last few days I have made a homemade photo light box to photograph my sculptures. I've opened my Etsy store and have seven listings. My clay has been coming along, though my jewelry has not recently. I have been in absolutely no mood to eat anything. I'm lucky if I force myself to eat breakfast and dinner, but lunch is a toss up. Trying to stay hydrated at least.

Today’s sculpture.

© Heather Lynn

Good Day

Today was what I call a good day. I didn't sleep very well, due to a severe headache (woke me up out of sleep severe, I wanted to trepan myself). Still, I woke up feeling pretty good, glad that the Tylenol I took around midnight had worked and I was ready for the day.

I ended up making some clay figures (I still need to do the faces). I did one three times and still didn't get it right, but I decided it was okay. I've discovered if I wash my hands and work surface before I work that my clay is far less dirty (duh!!). I drew a bit. Watched some Miss Marple with Joan Hickson. I played with my son for a while and posted photos from yesterday's trip to the farm. We had a friend over yesterday evening and that was nice. She was able to run the LM out of some energy as I wasn't up to it. Today I took a nap around 2:00 and slept for about two hours. LM came and snuggled for a little while and talked to me.

I got up, baked my clay figures and waiting for C and LM to come back from their walk. They found a bone of some sort (I think it is a vertebrae). LM wants to keep it so I looked up how one would clean such a thing. Hydrogen Peroxide.

It was nice spending the day with C and LM. Nice to have a day where negative thoughts didn't rule my mind. I looked up Pinkie Pie costumes and make up and tried some out. I couldn't get myself to like how it turned out. But there are costume ideas!

I spent a lot of time drawing and thinking. This is what I drew. It is what my brain feels like at any point in the day. Sometimes there is so much going on I can't make any decisions at all. I'm paralyzed at the choices. I know that is kind of cowardly, but that is how it is.

Creativity

This is how my creative process feels lately.

Gah!

Up Day

Today has been an upbeat day for the most part. I did lay in bed for part of the day thinking of people who jump off bridges and what the air must feel like, but that feeling passed. I played PvZ 2 for a little while with my son and then we listened to the iPod on shuffle. Turns out he likes The Clash, Bond, and Charlie Parker. He was dancing and grooving to the music. Then I had the brilliant idea of moving my work desk downstairs and getting rid of an old desk that we don't really need. So, I took the legs off the desk, took everything off of it, lugged it downstairs and set it up. Got the spare monitor set up and all of my work tools laid out. There is a mess in the bedroom from everything that was Under the desk when it was upstairs, but I'll get to it over the next few days. Now this way I can watch video tutorials on the spare screen while I'm working. I haven't decided if this was just a normal incident or if this was more like a hypomanic incident. I was really for it when I was moving everything, but I think I exhausted myself by the time everything was complete. I did want to drag the old desk outside (because hey, I can do EVERYTHING by myself you know). But convinced myself that I should wait for my husband to help. Now I'm kind of tired, I have tingles in my tongue, kinda a numb feeling or like when your leg falls asleep. And I'm a little dizzy. I did have breakfast. And lots of water. Made my son summer sausage, strawberries, and cheese for lunch. After he finishes that up I'm going to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I doubt he'll eat the left overs from last night.

As promised

A photo of the clay gummy bears I've been making.

Day 3

Today is day three of my Bipolar II diagnosis. It is getting easier to accept. I've read a few articles about living with Bipolar or Bipolar II. One was from The Atlantic and one from Huffington Post, both were helpful in putting words or images to what I feel as well as helping my husband understand what I'm feeling. I also found a website that will help me track my medicine, side effects, and overall health (FacingUs.org).

Looking back over the last 9 months I can see very clearly that I was in a hypomanic state. I was writing like mad. A haiku at the very least, one for thirty days, sometimes eight or nine in one day. I let myself tumble into a dangerous situation with a famous person, which I am still regretting. I luckily didn't spend a ton of money, but at one point I did just stop looking at bills, which we are catching up on. I had full blown panic attacks about my parents. And honestly, who sits for 4+ hours to sort LEGOs by color. Multiple times. Knowing full well that they will get mixed back together. Really, WHO DOES THAT?

Like I said, I am feeling better about the diagnosis. I still have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when it comes to money. My friend and I worked out a budget yesterday, complete with an allowance and how to work up to having a savings. With this plan I would be able to stay home and work, but I think my husband is not on board with that idea. So, part-time job it is! I'm nervous and scared about it, though I have no reason to be. My doctor said that is part of having bipolar disorder. Worrying about things that haven't, and in all likely hood are NOT going to happen. What if there is a line of 8 people at the checkout and I have a panic attack? What if my boss yells at me, will I cry? What happens on the days when I am too depressed to get out of bed. I know I'll force myself to get up, but what if I can't?

I promise, a photo of gummy bears will come later.

How I feel right now

Home again

I'm home again and feeling a little better. Spending time with with friends and family is helpful. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to try to figure out my meds and get my mood in order. That should be fun. 

Yay ponies!

Medicine

My medicine is not correct and it is wreaking havoc on my moods. I'm happy then super sad, then really really depressed, then up again. I should be super happy right now, I'm hanging with a friend, going to see the Minion movie, have molds coming in the mail and I got a giant Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume!!

Rough and Tumble

The last few days have been rough for me. I've been very down, felt like I'm falling without a net and there is nothing but slippery vines to grab onto. Wednesday was particularly bad as was yesterday. I felt like curling up in a little ball and hiding forever, or worse, I felt like escaping it all. And it isn't anything specific. It is the little things that add up over time. The plumbing in my house that we can't afford to fix. The problem with the car that we can't afford to fix. I get like this and there isn't anything to do except look at happy things and try to get myself into a better mood. I try not to give in to the sad feelings, but sometimes I can't help it. There are some days when no amount of cat videos, My Little Pony cartoons, and Star Butterfly can help. Some things aren't logical and can't be fixed with logic. Some days you feel you just aren't worth the energy that was spent to make you.

On a bad day. © delirium_child

At the airport

At the airport no one can hear you scream with boredom.  Ahh! 

Beautiful day

It is a beautiful day while I sit in the cell phone lot of the MSP airport waiting for a plane to arrive. 

The weekend was nice, time was spent with family and friends. I also spent some time working with clay and drawing. 

Today will be full of games, comfort, and French cookies. Maybe I'll get a pack of MLP cards. I still need Discord.

Photos!

Should I?

What do you think, should I buy a copy of it? It is so adorable.

www.etsy.com/shop/britsketch

Multitasking Print by Britteny Lee

Yogaga

Yogaga is the name of the nail polish I am wearing today. It is kind of a brown-gray color. I know it doesn't sound pretty, but I think it is.

Today will be a better day. The leather cord I ordered came in and I have some ideas of how I want to use it.

Yesterday turned around, as days tend to do when I am faced with a battery of enthusiasm from friends. I have a great friends who are very supportive. My painting from a few days ago turned out well and my son got to put his robot together. My husband started reading MASH to me, which is very funny. I think in addition to MASH we are going to try to start reading a book about mindfulness. It was recommended by my doctor and may help with my depression.

Until later I will be reading Belle Armoire Jewelry, playing with my son, and watching Murder, She Wrote in the background.

Photo for today.

Love Can Be Messy by Heather.

Midweek

The midweek slump is here. Headache this morning after probably having one too many drinks last night (which was a total of three). Crawled out of bed, made breakfast, did some yoga and now perusing the Facebook. Turkish protesters are getting hit with water hoses and rubber bullets. A glimpse of my old cat on a video of puppies. I can't seem to stop my eyes from watering this morning and I'm not sure what is wrong. I don't know that there is anything wrong, except for a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm not sure the Latuda is working. I seem to be having a lot more ups and downs and nothing really steady. It could be because summer is full of ups and downs, but I don't think that is the complete cause.

I did a painting yesterday, a large one on wood in the style of Jackson Pollock. Someone stopped by and thought that my 8 year old did it, so that made me a little disheartened. My husband likes it though. I need to bring it inside as I think it might ran in a little while.

One of my least favorite tasks has been completed, ahem, paying bills. Ugh. I should just be happy we have the money to pay them though, I know that there are others that cannot afford even that.

I'm avoiding work. I have a few small things to work on and I know I need to work on them (I've only been avoiding it for a day). The entire work situation, with my feelings toward the employer and the history, not to mention the rudeness on their part of not even sending a response to my thank you letter, it has all left me quite disgusted. But, we need money, so sometimes we have to do things we aren't very happy about.

As soon as the files are done downloading I will start the project and put on some ST:TNG. The LM's robot should come today so I need to get some things done before the afternoon is spent in assembly. (which is going to be a riot. we are going to have fun!).

Obligatory photo.